The fickle skin of life. We travel in the dark lost in our own preceptionss of what we are to ourselves and what others project on us. Its scary when you actually see the people around you. See them, not analyze them, or interact with them, just see them. We are all so translucent and vulnerable. Smoke screens, drug habits, intoxicated states, clothes,make up, jokes,catcalls, a smile...mirages. when you squint and try to make out the detail it just blurs even more. I think people are like that. We squint each other into whole new forms. get stuck on something and it builds, it mutates and then its all you see.
I've been half haggardly parading myself around for 23 years now. If I had to have a conversation with my 18 year old self, fresh out of school, and all that possibility just oooozing out of my pores. My first and most tumultous highschool lover left behind for new experiences and hopes of a better me in a batter part of this world.I remember feeling felt light as air.what would I say to her? My wreckless oblivion to the trials and trebulations in store for me is probably what made me who I am today.The mistakes I've made and the choices I've failed to make are parts of me. Though, I must say I would've told myself to NEVER smoke (ciggarettes that is) and to stick it to my dad and drop out. As of today I have a degree in Bsc Human Life Sciences(With Psychology). It took me a year longer than it should have, but I did it. Yipee. The ugly truth is the ony reason I feel remotely good about this achievment is because it's over. Jeez enough on that self-depricating subject. The future still glistens.
Today I also decided to love until further notice. NO guards and no plans. the object of my affection requires this of me and I believe I'm actually one of few who can love him the way he needs..nay..deserves. love without expectations or requirements. all your heart. This is a tricky business since us females often want reassurance...but that's the whole problem right? We all are so afraid to love, and not be loved back. My first love I fell deep. Never dated much in high school; I'm picky and shy so its an awkward combo.Regardless,or maybe consequently, I was gloriously in love and dived into all the emotions. like a sand storm I was covered by it. but it changed. he changed...and I started to feel less an less and less until everything I felt and did was a lie. A lie only I knew of myself. I didn't want to stop loving him. I didn't want to want more. but I did. seeing him now is strange. you forget the little things about someone that made you love them. Those tiny details that send you over the edge. I think you can only truly be 'over' someone once you cut loose those fine strings that connect you-and that takes TIME and distance. period. So break-ups are always fucking hard. No shortcuts to a healed heart. I don't even want to know what struggle lies ahead for me this time. Once again the end is in sight. but the love i still share with mr first love reinforces my decision to just love him as much as I can, while i still can. what else. and the cool part is he loves me back. swooon =)
