Ramble on

The fickle skin of life. We travel in the dark lost in our own preceptionss of what we are to ourselves and what others project on us. Its scary when you actually see the people around you. See them, not analyze them, or interact with them, just see them. We are all so translucent and vulnerable. Smoke screens, drug habits, intoxicated states, clothes,make up, jokes,catcalls, a smile...mirages. when you squint and try to make out the detail it just blurs even more. I think people are like that. We squint each other into whole new forms. get stuck on something and it builds, it mutates and then its all you see.

I've been half haggardly parading myself around  for 23 years now. If I had to have a conversation with my 18 year old self, fresh out of school, and all that possibility just oooozing out of my pores. My first and most tumultous highschool lover left behind for new experiences and hopes of a better me in a batter part of this world.I remember feeling felt light as air.what would I say to her? My wreckless oblivion to the trials and trebulations in store for me is probably what made me who I am today.The mistakes I've made and the choices I've failed to make are parts of me. Though, I must say I would've told myself to NEVER smoke (ciggarettes that is) and to stick it to my dad and drop out. As of today I have a degree in Bsc Human Life Sciences(With Psychology). It took me a year longer than it should have, but I did it. Yipee. The ugly truth is the ony reason I feel remotely good about this achievment is because it's over. Jeez enough on that self-depricating subject. The future still glistens.

 Today I also decided to love until further notice. NO guards and no plans. the object of my affection requires this of me and I believe I'm actually one of few who can love him the way he needs..nay..deserves. love without expectations or requirements. all your heart. This is a tricky business since us females often want reassurance...but that's the whole problem right? We all are so afraid  to love, and not be loved back. My first love I fell deep. Never dated much  in high school; I'm picky and shy so its an awkward combo.Regardless,or maybe consequently, I was gloriously in love and dived into all the emotions. like a sand storm I was covered by it. but it changed. he changed...and I started to feel less an less and less until everything I felt and did was a lie. A lie only I knew of myself. I didn't want to stop loving him. I didn't want to want more. but I did. seeing him now is strange. you forget the little things about someone that made you love them. Those tiny details that send you over the edge. I think you can only truly be 'over' someone once you cut loose those fine strings that connect you-and that takes TIME and distance. period. So break-ups are always fucking hard. No shortcuts to a healed heart. I don't even want to know what struggle lies ahead for me this time. Once again the end is in sight. but the love i still share with mr first love reinforces my decision to just love him as much as I can, while i still can. what else. and the cool part is he loves me back. swooon =)

Peter Rabbit



It's just bunny Love

fuck off! this is My bunny pad

Now that's a cute butt.

if the shoe fits...

groom time in the sunshine

scientific fact. A bunny cannot be uncute.

Lavender

All we are is flesh, Bone, and these passing moments

I'm struggling to find the words to explain the surreal snippets of human interaction a had today. Little tiny unobtrusive moments that I probably experience everyday... But today it just effected my being in a strange, peripheral way. Hence, like the feeling,my words all feel slightly off center to the core of the emotion it stirred. The depth humans have reached in communication is obsurd. We talk, write, dance, make music, paint, kiss- all these actions accumulate to an intensity unknown to any other life form. Selfishly we need each other.This yearning, is what defines our humanity.

one snippet...

As I was walking back from the shops-my mind mauling over the indecisions that plague it-A boy...or maybe a man, went against my grain. His waggish walk diverted me away from my own thoughts...Lank, goofy limbs flayed forward as he swung one oversized shoe passed the other. His open face and naive blue eyes,haloed by fine, white-blond Goldy-locks spoke of a life unblemished by the demands of adulthood.When I walk pass people, I like to make eye contact, and if I get a eye back; I smile. This little greeting rarely plays out. Most of the time people don't notice, or they look away so fast the moment our eyes meet my face hasn't the time to put on a smile. From a few yards away, Manboys' insecure demeanor and his far off countenance lead me te expect another passer-by. Far from it.Just as these thoughts had mused passed, his chin gently tipped and turned, and his gaze met mine. He looked at me. He aknowledged my existence. He smiled. It was a good smile.

Cloud Nine

I become weightless

where ocean rock and land meet blue

floating on the endlesslessness 

my roaming eyes

filled with rabbits, ducks, and childhood figurines

Timelessly billowing by

shaped by sun, wind, and rain

transluscent plasticity....

every-day-differenent-every-day-the-same

on Repeat

 Some songs bring about this uncontrolled desire to just play that song over and over and over again. Theres nothing else, no other sound compares. this is such a song....to me.
Reason? think its the violin

90 mile water wall

Habits

I got completely sloshed of my face last night. Wasn't planned-just had nothing to do. So I invited a friend over for a joint, went to town for a drink,saw other friends,bought shots, talked shit, played pool, danced, got over it, sneaked away, drove home, vomited, passed out....

Sound like fun? Sound familiar?

I'm fucking over it.When you ,by some merciful chance, manage to reach a point where you're sober long enough to look at your drunken habits-you realize how redundant and numb the whole affair is. We drink ourselves into this blissful oblivion without the inhibitions and problems we usually face. The more problems the more drinking. Its a vicious algorithm. Obviously you don't think you have such big issues...your having a ball-all your friends are doing it with you....but the fact is-your just not conscious enough to realize whats going on in your own life.

why why why we ask

love is a ridiculous phenomenon. It can instigate the widest range of emotions...from a school girl crush, nail biting stress attacks,complete out-of-context euphoria, tears, jealousy, nostalgia, hate, silliness, bashfullness, confusion, anger, contentment, resignment, insecurity, hope, madness....?Every feeling ever flowered can be rooted back to love.....why we ask? I just think, if not for love...


For. fucking. what. else???